mediocre

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a long overdue post.

i promised myself to write more consistently and i didn’t.

i am supposed to be reading my class’ articles, having missed one class, but i ended up reading a local short stories or collection of poems, finished it, and felt inclined to write a short review on it. it is past my bedtime. i wanted to write something. maybe its the tea i just drank. i should be sleeping because i aim for an early start at work after a week’s absence.

give myself 5 more minutes to do this.

mediocre.

it is word that has been nagging me these few weeks. i feel like what i have been doing thus far, all the milestones i have gone through the years…it felt mediocre.

perhaps it’s the vast plain of ice and snow. perhaps its the age. i used to wonder if i ever made the right choice doing what im doing. i don’t think like that anymore. it’s more of you pretty much choose to do what you do, now is to just plough through and just make sure you do the best, regardless of the result or incentive.

and this is where i wonder if i am really doing my best? have i done or given my best all these years? and it seems like there is something more, a small void, searching to do something worthwhile. what is it? i don’t know.

there are so many things i wanted to do but have not. or did/doing but not doing much. for example, for the longest time i have wanted to pursue archery. i wanted to be good at it. i wanted to make it part of my routine maybe. but i never get to do it till now. or the time when i thought i found my ‘artistic’ call in scrapbooking and then realise it is quite an expensive hobby, and had to slow down a bit. i mean, i could have been a scrapbook-gram star, but i didn’t or couldn’t.

and now there’s a lingering thought of finding a cause to champion or volunteer or organise something but i havent give much thought on what i want to do.

i guess every thing happens at the right time. i like to think that my priority is different at certain ages and what or who needs my attention. i have always believed God leads the way, there’s no reason to steer away from that path now.

i just wish or pray that i can be true to myself. and that it’s ok to show the world a little bit of who i am, what i can do, and what i can achieve.

book review: objects of affection

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Objects of Affection by Krishna Udayasankar

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


I did not realise it is a collection of poems when i started reading it. i read it as i would short stories. being not really a literary person, i was surprised to realise that they were a collection of poems. it is something new to me and i enjoyed reading it.

at first, i read the ‘stories’ or poems, on its own until i realised when read together, or weaved in the chapters, it could be a whole story of two individuals, i mean, it is! it has to be.
i like surprises like this!

it challenges the reader to imagine as an inanimate, observing as a third ‘person’ of two lives. it is refreshing. it is intimate. i am not a fan of reading (having, sadly, found out along the way) about betrayal or extra marital affairs, i guess it tries to humanise the emotions involved. but i am sure if the chapters are read on its own, it could give glimpses of different meanings and experiences.




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it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, it certainly is not for me (storyline-wise) but i appreciate the refreshing notion of reading poems as though they were short stories and the surprise that if you put a mindset of reading the chapters together, it almost draws you in to read about the two individuals into one whole story, like a novel on its own. and with a vague ending, as all short stories are.

purge

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i have been on a ‘purge’. in a way.

for the past month, i have been feeling like i am burdened with so many materials, guilty of spending without purpose and just frustrated with the thought that i might keep buying but really I’ve only been using the same old few because simply i really love them. and then wondering when the toots i am going to wear or use the rest.

and so i guess age does it, you know you start to know what type of clothes you’re comfortable with, the design perhaps, the material especially, the colours. and for our case, shawls upon shawls. sometimes i hate myself for buying and then realising i don’t really like the colour or the material or the length. you somehow become fussy, but really, it’s just being practical with who i am and what i want to wear.

i can safely say i have stopped buying (too many) shawls from certain ‘brands’ because let’s face it, how many shawls does one really need?? i honestly ended up using the same few. so i have this three tier ikea plastic drawer, and i have sworn to myself that since the drawers are filled to the brim, i really don’t need anymore. so let’s just wear them till whenever that is, perhaps the colour fades or burnt at the iron. and im keeping the drawer as the benchmark, really. should probably be able to last for the next two- three years i would say.

so i went through a mountain of it, and gave away a whole lot (some sold at TheLuggageMarket). in fact i think i can give away some more. and believe me, they are all in good condition. but that’s another day.

then i move on to the clothes. pants and blouses and dresses. same thing, go through everything to find those i really wear. sold some and sent to the recycling. and it’s a good thing that there’s always collection of used clothes and items done by a recycle company for donation purpose. so we just pack them all, put aside and they will collect it right from our doorstep.

and it’s a relief to see the wardrobe actually having a lot of space after all that sorting. husband’s too did not escape my adrenaline. took out all his unused shirts and put them in a box that we can stow away on top of our wardrobe. he has attachment issues, i don’t. what i don’t like i don’t keep. he takes awhile to decide. that’s it i keep them for him. but it’s good measure because his unused shirts will turn out to be what i wear at home. so im good and clothed and that will last for the next few years haha.

clear my bags. same procedure.

and the best one: i finally had the time to rearrange my books! decided to arrange and separate the ones i have read and those i haven’t (or haven’t finish reading or newly bought). and my, wasn’t i in for a big surprise?! only 1/4 of the books on these shelves are read!! i totally slumped. staring at them books. like i’m sorry i have not read you guys. and i promise. i promise i will reach out to you first before i even think of buying any. because here. here is my loves. and so yea, the books could last me for the next few years, depending on how fast i can read them all. a couple of them was sent (for a new lease of love and hope, i hope, by someone else who would read and love them) to a cause called Books Beyond Borders. i have been following them on their IG for a while and always thought its a good initiative, to support education in Nepal. i mean they don’t bring the books there by are reselling them to support their cause. im so glad i finally have the chance to donate some books.

and then what else did i do?

oh yeah, went through my stationery and crafts items too. so sad that i haven’t really have the time to indulge in my hobbies. i hope i can some time soon. but for now, i cleared out many of the items. a lot of it i gave to friends who do crafts as well, gave to the mosque edu unit and to the youth group coz they like to decorate their noticeboard, so it will be just the right things to use for that. i haven’t even go through my stickers and journal items yet. one good thing was i have not been buying any crafts items for the past year, except for the time i did a photo collage for my nephew’s one year birthday.

i am just truly satisfied i manage to clear them. clear of mind as well, as they say. feels nice to see some space in these four walls and realising that i have enough, more than enough. alhamdulillah. im settled actually. i really don’t need to spend anymore for the time being.

apart from this cleaning purge, i also unsubscribe to many mailing lists, unfollow brands (i mean nothing to lose here anyway, they keep their ig public so yea, if i think i need to browse to make myself sleepy, i could still go to theirs).

i go through my photos and delete those that doesn’t contribute to memory lane. i go through my contacts list, friends list, whatsapp groups, my emails and delete hundreds of whatever.

its a new decade, my age is catching up. let’s be realistic of what life has ahead and not material gains and be tied down with virtual demands.

hope this works well for 2020 onwards.

thoughts

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It’s been a year of changes.

The irony, to end a decade.

Of which, I would have remained the same as I was, say 9 – 10 years ago.

Took a lot of courage. A leap of faith. Trust in Him.

It’s been a year of hardships, of patience and prayers.

Of which, it never stops.

We have so much to be grateful for.

And yet, we pray for more.

But at most, He knows.

Our struggles, our tears, when our heart beats in desperation for Him to make it right.

For strength.

how to find love in a bookshop

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How to Find Love in a Bookshop

How to Find Love in a Bookshop by Veronica Henry

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


My first assumption was i might got bored reading this. i thought it would be something similar to Nina George’s The Little Paris Bookshop, which although i found it intriguing at first, i just skimmed through the rest of the chapters and only got interested again towards the end.

Somehow How To Find Love in a Bookshop made me read through and i finished it in 3 days! It was an easy read, endearing characters, although certain plot you kind of expected it how to end and of course, it has an all happy ending feel to it. the characters aren’t pretentious, a bit too many characters to fit in, and at 200+ pages, it feels too short, i guess they were all nicely put in and weaved in through how they were connected, and have their own ‘air time’ without being too “touch and go” or just for the sake of it.

it was a nice coincidence that i finished reading it two days before christmas, i didn’t know it would end happily on a christmas day.

i hope a producer picks it up and make it into those christmas-sy films or series. i want to see the characters alive!



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wooga

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too long since i posted something. when people are already doing igstories and going live, i guess doing wordpress is old fashioned now.

but just to rush, taking some time from work at work. pretty challenging these days.

but…small things like seeing snippets of these three at a recent award show, always bring a smile. hearteyed.

i need to do a psj dramas marathon soon.

that cliche

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wake me up when september ends.

How did September passed by quickly? and that it’s mid October. this moment that i realised that the days had been a blur. i am just passing through day by day without much thought.

except that i hit a high and then low for days before having to put up a strong front, for other people, and then felt like now i think i am back to normal again? put up a face of confidence when i don’t feel it and i just want to curl up in a hole or just lay in bed and do nothing. i want to chuck this phone out of sight and not reply to any messages or demands. sometimes i wonder if i am in need of some mental check through? this up and down…this…what is normal?!

the days been crazy, physically and emotionally, even intellectually if i can say so.

i feel disattached to what i was so used to. i have had that urge of leaving all the wa groups that had been a part of me for so long and almost normal to be receiving messages from them. someone made a comment that goes along the line of you need to get out of the group yourself because you’re not part of it anymore. we couldn’t ‘delete’ you because we don’t want to hurt you…and then hurt me in this conversation? im like Ok i can get out of it now! and i did, in front of him. granted, i wasn’t really that close to that particular group. but it was still a mixed feelings of im sad to leave it but also good riddance? is it i am not needed anymore. face it, i AM NOT NEEDED, in this part of the world! (drama, i know). its logical actually.

and then i wonder if i should leave all the other familiar groups? it could be that they don’t want to hurt me and so just leave me there…and then…created a new group altogether. its paranoid of zero degree. perhaps i don’t have to think too much. then there’s that awkwardness of should i say something before i leave, should i say thank you for whatever it is, or should i just leave quietly, perhaps some time midnight when everyone is sleeping and they don’t even aware that i leave? in fact its been 6 months now. people could already forget that i was there in the first place. i could do that. let them be free… or is it i be free?

sheeessshh.. this attachment issues really…sucks.

and then i heard from someone, giving a comment. not about me, but about his ownself, because he needs to leave too…he said he should leave whatever groups quickly, make it clean so there is no confusion, and that he himself could focus on what lies ahead of him, instead of burdening himself with what he assumed as unfinished business..because let’s face it, someone else will do it (or will have to do it). but not what is already waiting for him. that- he needs to pave the way, quickly. his previous position, his previous team, will be there to support him to make that transition, but at the same time, he cannot dwell on that attachment because things needs to get moving. leave and don’t think too much. just do it. the system will allow that we all eventually meet again, work together again. so why feel so attached. we are all doing this for a higher purpose, some mission to create something good.

it’s true, right?

within a few weeks, did his handovers, said thank you and leave. (although we always see him now and then. pretty sure he goes through some adaptation and change struggle but he’s not showing it, in fact, he seems more like a person with purpose…with a lot at stake)

ahhh this public servant thing…you always move on fast.

i did make a first step. after realising that i have not checked my previous work email for so long, i had a sudden obligation to check and true enough, i received a few emails from parents and people who are not aware that i was no longer working there. i forwarded these emails to the new head for her to follow up, quickly, i hope. i was like, sheesh, i really need to do something or people will be angry at me for not replying or worse, angry towards the mosque. so i did an automatic reply and requested from my (ex)colleague to take me out from the internal group mails (because otherwise they will receive my automatic reply every time). it does feel like i just strip off a part of me. but no. don’t dwell on it. because well, even the (ex)boss don’t seem to care.. erkkk…

i should be grateful, even if it’s for awhile. i do feel like like i can get used to this job, but i need to make a lot of changes. change perspectives and how i do things, how i see things, people even. i have been pretty much doing things out of habit, this is really a shock to the system, shake the mind a bit, give it a fresh reel. i have all these experiences, they are useful to pave the way for an exciting future. so, be free.

for God’s sake, its been 6 months. as you have already see, they are all doing well…without you…so give it a year, and if Allah wills it, move back and start anew. for now, focus on what is already in front of you.

will do. smile. enjoy the process.

book review: rainbirds

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Rainbirds

Rainbirds by Clarissa Goenawan

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Enjoyed reading Rainbirds!

When I picked it up, I didn’t really checked on what it was about and was taken by surprise that instead of a local story, it’s characters are actually Japanese!
I couldn’t stop thinking about Haruki Murakami whilst reading it though.

That silent slow build up mystery, ‘normal’ but weird characters in their own way and that every chapter starts with a title, made it seem one is reading short stories. It feels like reading a ‘soft’ mystery thriller. not gory but sad and emotional. there’s that need to find out who the murderer is (there was no answer to who anyway) but at the same time, invested to know how the main character deal with the loss. left with more questions than answers but glad that there’s some form of closure.

i really don’t mind if there’s a sequence to Rainbirds. or a prequel even. I feel like stalking the characters.

sigh…this is going to leave me ‘lost’ after reading a good book. Going to be hard to pick up the next and stay intrigued!




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if you’re into japanese authors or storylines, i think Clarissa did fantastic. you might like this book if you’re into haruki or kazuo. mysterious and thriller-ish enough to keep you wondering who-did-it, but always have that feel japanese authors usually have, normal- eccentric characters, enough emotions to understand what the characters are going through and that heartwrenching search for self identity and/or the truth.

storage wars

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hubby and i watched this docu-tainment series Storage Wars sometimes. it used to be in history channel (?) and now its available on Netflix.

it’s about a couple of buyers who go for store rooms auctions. The highest bidder on a store room, will get to own whatever items there are in the rooms. and then most of the time, they re-sell the items at their vintage/thrift/ pawnshops.

i mean they have interesting characters for the drama. there were lucky bids where they bought a room and found the items to be worth for re-sell or upcycle. sometimes they could amount to thousands of dollars if you really really get lucky.

but what i wanted to talk about in relation to this is… the store rooms are supposed to belong to someone else, who for whatever reasons, could be death or something, they ‘released’ the stores. and amazingly, there are sooo many of these released stores that they could have many seasons of Storage Wars (and there’s few versions of them across the US).

technically the teams who bid for the store rooms are like what local term ‘karung guni’. they literally picked through the items, and only take away those they think are worth some money and practically throw away whatever they don’t want (or rather won’t sell)!

and then i started talking about it with hubby. like how much junk can one person have in their life?? like why would they store away all these unwanted stuffs?? and pretty much left to other people to deal with their garbage (or treasures for some). surely after the bidders go through their items, they pretty much throw away maybe 70-90% of the stuffs they find?!

until i look around our own small room and see the amount of stuff i myself have. humongous number of stuffs. i feel bad for my hubby, somehow, lol. i got married to him and take all his space and it becomes my space. haha. and he tolerated all these things. like the two huge full bookshelves we shoved into our room! we have a big wardrobe and i think i filled up 3/4 of the space, because i have my shawls, my jubahs, my baju kurungs, my casual attires and then my home shirts and pants. he pretty much have about 10 shirts and 10 jeans he bought a one go and use them over and over again until they get worn out. something like that. he has many other shirts and pants he doesnt like and doesnt wear. just stored somewhere.

no matter how much we go through our things and throw them away. we still ended up with so many things still! enough ranting.

i began to realise…. that i do not want my hubby or any of my family members having to deal with my stuffs, if only God knows, i left this world…whenever that is. i really do.

so i guess im going to make it a mini personal mission to slowly get rid, give away, sell away some items, use up whatever i already have, upcycle what i can. and only make small purchases for things i will really really use. so even if anything happens, we can all have peace of mind, don’t we.

ok. let’s do this!

borrowed life

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Today I am allowed to complete another full year of life and add another day to a new lease of life.
I hope I have lead this life well thus far.
I hope that I have fulfilled some milestones in the three decades of borrowed living.

1988 – Kindergarten at 5 years old exactly thirty years ago

1990 – Primary One at one of the best madrasahs. sweet and not so sweet memories. some remembered some forgotten. some in broken pieces of memory reel. some stamped in memory perhaps emotionally impacted.

2001 – Graduated finally after twelve long years of basic education. Nothing fantastic a student I was, but barely survived with good mentions, I hoped. The fact that some of my teachers could remember and called me by my full name, I must have been a small part of their good teaching diaries, meagre as compared to other stellar classmates.
But hey, I survived.

2003 – Who would have thought or dreamt that I could stepped to a university. seriously. no one thought I would. but somehow I made it. away from family for the first time, remembered crying myself to sleep because my loved ones felt so far away. I was 20, lol. could have been more stronger than that!
3 years of amazing life of learning and hardships and friendships that last. memories we wouldn’t trade for anything.


2008 – And so it begins. adulting, as they call it nowadays. and for the rest of our lives that is. those, another day, another story to tell.


2010 – Marriage. Who would have thought that?! I didn’t for sure. We didn’t look for each other. We came into each other’s lives by coincidence, not us, but our elders. but with a heartbeat he took me under his wings, care and love for me, made me feel safe and complete. without a worry in the world. I hope I have cared and loved you as much. and to love and care for one another for the rest of our lives.


2019 – Still here. Alhamdulillah.

there may be more that one can wish to accomplish. perhaps an inkling to achieve something worthy. to make life worthwhile and meaningful. we are all made for bigger things. I think I am. but everything at its own right time.

I pray for love, health and strength to persevere. faith, deep full faith. and trust in Him and His decree.